Life goes on

他跟我說恐慌症發生時的症狀有如有一個人拿著一把刀子，一刀、一刀的、用力的刮著你的心臟。我看著他，覺得他在嚇唬我。我笑了笑，再繼續低下頭將碗中的白飯吃完，好像他剛剛說了一個不太好笑的笑話。

我現在很恐慌
因為愛的感覺慢慢的從從心臟開始流失
所以我要Promise 自己

這寫完後我將不在感覺
之前所有的感覺將至入一個ZIP LOCK FREEZER BAG ， seal and freeze
現在很難受但是以後總是會好的，然後又像是沒事了一樣，跟以前一樣
總之，我已經習慣傷痕，也習慣自己處理它

明天起床後、又是新的一天
life goes on

和你在一起

未知的恐懼加上對新環境的不適應，
我在表姊客廳的充氣床上輾轉難眠。
依稀記得我是在淚漬逐漸滲透了枕頭後才進入睡眠。

我做了一個夢
在夢裡
我在一個房子裡，昏黃的燈光打在老式的西式家具。我身處在上海20-30年代的屋裡。米色的牆壁上懸掛著各種不一樣的相框。
第一個相框裡掛著奶奶的照片。奶奶已過世許久，我望著她的相片對他說出內心的不安。突然間，相片中的奶奶開口對我說話了。我驚訝不已，噙著淚告訴奶奶我好想念她。奶奶曾經告訴我「凡事靠自己」但我一直沒有做到。一會兒，奶奶就不再說話了。
我跑到第二個相框前，那是爺爺的相片。對於爺爺，我只有感到抱歉，因為第一次見到爺爺是在很小的時候（約四歲）。當時台灣尚未解嚴，而身份為軍人的爸爸在離開中國20年後終於又和中國大陸的家人聯絡上了，於是他帶著才四歲的我義無反顧的悄悄回到了上海。當時的我只覺得爺爺很老很醜，所以不想理會他。但是爺爺太寵我，讓我坐在他的頭上挖鼻屎他也很開心。兩三年以後爺爺過世了我才開始難過小時候無禮。在相片裡的爺爺也同樣的開口說話了。爺爺說了很多但我心中只有一個念頭：我希望爺爺知道我心中是想念他的，而爺爺也一直是讓我驕傲的主要原因。
第三個相框裡的人是我爸爸。爸爸在我七歲時過世。記憶裡的父親一向都是在醫院裡或病床上。我看著爸爸的相片，期待他開口說話，終於，他開口了，他的嘴巴張開卻遲遲無法發音，最後，爸爸什麼話都沒有說。他只是看著我。

我醒了
我知道我的家人都在看著我，都和我在一起。
我們的關係從沒有斷，它一直在。
I think I will be alright.

Commencement Speech to the Harvard Class of 2000

I couldn't help but posting it. This is the speech given by Conan O'Brien at the Harvard 2000 Commencement. Read it, it's hilarious

http://www.february-7.com/features/conan.htm

Michael Jackson Dangerous

今天在逛Youtube时不经意的浏览到了Michael Jackson Dangerous的 video clip. 勾起许多陈年往事。 很难相信两年前在实验剧场的舞台剧中竟然能跳完这整支舞！我不禁懷疑当初是如何办到的？ 莫非有神助？MWUAHAHAHAH
两年前在没有深厚舞蹈底子的情形下靠著在剧场初识的朋友们帮助我不断的複习MICHAEL的所有舞步，好想念那段每天與汗水和沮丧攪和的三个月。

American Dream Synopsis

A-Dan and his sister Lily are two of the many illegal immigrants in America. Their new life in this foreign land seems promising to their parents: well paying jobs, beautiful environment, and most of all, hope for a brighter future. However, underneath the glorious image they have forged there lies a dark and heartbreaking truth: in order to pay off the price of their illegal immigration and keep their family safe, A-Dan is forced to prostitute Lily after their daily low-end jobs at the restaurant.

Their once exhilarating dream has been shattered; their once hopeful hearts have deceased. However, when a small incident rekindles Lily’s hope, she opens her youthful eyes and tries to embrace it one more time. Her sense of hope and future terrifies A-Dan. Having lost hope in the entire country, and probably the entire world, he convinces Lily that whatever she saw was nothing but a pipedream, and they as illegal immigrants can only surrender to their fate. Just as A-Dan realizes he has made a mistake, he will soon find out that it was one that may cost him his entire world.


阿丹和他的妹妹莉莉是在美国成千上万名非法移民中的一分子。 在父母的眼中，他们在这个陌生的国度的生活充满了灿烂：优厚的工作，优美的环境，还有最重要的是，他们在这里有对于未来的憧憬。然而，在他们精心描绘的画面的背后，隐藏着一个令人心碎的秘密：为了偿还高额偷渡债务，确保家人的平安，阿丹在打工之余被迫为莉莉拉客卖淫。

他们一度美好的梦想破灭了；他们曾经热切的心已经死去。可是，当一个偶然的机会让莉莉又一次看到了希望的时候，她终于再一次张开双眼试图去抓住它。她的希望让阿丹感到恐惧；他已经对这个国家，甚至这个世界失去了信心。他说服了莉莉，使她相信她只是在做白日梦，并让她明白对于像他们这样的人来说，接受命运是唯一的选择。当阿丹最终明白了自己的错误和软弱的时候，他发现这是一个他用尽一生也无法弥补的错误。

我決定要這樣死

今天晚上要拍Lily斷氣一幕。

sometimes we encounter stressful situations during the filmming like jinx. Like today, eric's car broke down in the morning, and then our prop car broke down in the afternoon, not to mention a couple days ago the rental truck was over-heated and broken down during the transportation.

Day Off- recovering from action sequence

昨晚彷彿作了一個惡夢。如果在現實生活中我能操控夢境，或許我就能成為一個更有意志力的人. 但是現在我只能藉著抽煙來撫平情緒。有一個瑜珈體位法叫做「駱駝」而邊抽駱駝邊做駱駝才能使我取得平衡。

LA 的表演教练， Bernard Hiller曾在课堂上告诉我："表演让你在现实生活中所不能、不可以、不可能做到的事发生" 接着他更进一步举例说明：「if you want to be a prostitute, you can, with out legal binding issues」女演員 Joan Allen once also said "Acting gave me the opportunity to do outrageous things. It allowed me to be sad, happy, angry and lustful even if it was just vicariously."

被嫖客殴打的妓女回忆，随着骆驼慢慢的与空气混合、稀释、淡化、消失。

ROOM 137- Int. Motel: The Violence Scene

The director asked and discussed with me numerous times prior to my arrival on today's scene. It is the scene when Lily, the young 18 yrs prostitute, was severely beaten up by the raging out-of-control john (played by Owen Proventure).Well, the day begin as a light hearted one. Eric offered me a ride from the motel lobby parking lot to the back of the motel, where the set was.

When crew began to show up, we realized sometime went totally unexpected and wrong. Our dressed set

room in room 137 was "cleaned" by the cleaning
motel staff.

今天的動作戲十分刺激緊張和血腥。讓我再次意識到腎上腺素的存在。在武打指導的帶領下，大部分的時候不是踢、揍不然就是踹。當然也有男演員在身上爬上爬下，當然也有吞吐血漿，當然在地毯上也有蟑螂在面前大辣辣的爬來爬去。 但這一切對我都很新鮮。所有現場的拍攝人員都十分的興奮。Owen 是Tallahassee 的專業演員，十分高大看起來也的確像壞人。當天晚上拍完後，他和我道別的時候我竟對他產生一些些恐懼感。

拍攝完後已經快要凌晨3點了，但我心情竟然還是十分亢奮。這大概跟我喝的Red Bull有著很直接的關係吧。

Day Off- Another nice day for a sulk

Located in downtown Tallahassee, this student cafe the customer turn-out appears to be slow in the afternoon. With less congested wireless internet connection rate, i was able to check my emails and upload my thoughts to the World Wide Web quickly and efficently.
Reason I choose this cafe to sit-in during my precious day off other than the fact I had nothing to do while stuck in the apartment with no transportation is because Su Ni, our 2nd AD told me about this place days before, she said " That place is filled with dirty seats and broken couches. " I like vintage and sometimes I can be nostalgic, so i decided to give it a try. The Cafe is about 2 minutes walking distance from today's shooting site, a pub called St.Michaels, an Irish pub where I will soon be visiting.

Here are some footages I captured.

Interior Trailer

Everyone meet Khan. Khan is the producer for "American Dream" and he just won a student Emmy Award for his short film production "Abe". Very talented director and producer.
Khan 是我們的製作人。去年他導演的一部短片"ABE"得了今年的學生艾美獎。來自色列來的Khan 現在已經在進行他的下一部 feature電影的前製了，估計明年他將回到以色列進行拍攝。

Interior Trailer Park Scene

三月的Tallahassee清晨，空氣中的每一個濕氣分子似乎都
包著薄薄的一層霜。經過一個整天的休息，冷冽的空氣使我精神抖擻，很興奮。I am so ready!
Britney Estates Park 是一個拖車屋停駐場，裡面住著許多低收入戶或退休者。這對小時候住在美國鄉下小鎮的我並不陌生。
多數的低收入戶的外表大多看起來都過重。美國就是這樣：越窮的人越胖。 因為家裡開餐館的關係，客人的身材常常是媽媽跟舅媽在後面三姑六婆的話題。舅媽常抱怨客人太會吃了，有一次甚至形容一個食客的屁股有八個頭那麼大。雖然很Crude, 但我也必須承認她描述的十分傳神。好在餐館已經沒有繼續營業了否則持續造口業多不好。 有一次在曼哈頓與朋友進餐時聊到阿肯色的生活，當我開玩笑的告訴他我從小在trailer park長大時，他看我的眼神簡直不可置信，但他也信了。不過現在總算看到拖車屋停駐場的實相了，但沒有想像中的那麼糟糕。我想那是因為現在的我充滿希望，畢竟我在做我熱愛的工作，就算是睡在拖車裡也是抱著夢想睡著的。這就是故事中的LILY; 雖然生活的困境逼迫她必須出賣自己的身體換取溫飽，但是她沒有放棄對希望的憧憬。
今天要拍攝Lily 對哥哥Danny提出 她想去邁阿密要求。哥哥Danny非常反對Lily
不切實際，並且試圖讓LILY接受命運對他們就是如此惡劣。

This is the team meeting/talk/announcement before the lunch. Although they called it "lunch" it was actually 2 P.M. in the afternoon.

After the talk, first team is released for lunch. There are only 2 persons on the first team: me and Art.

Day Off

Today I do nothing but pamper my self in the Sunshine State.

Day 2 - Kitchen Scene

Tonight is actually the first night of the shooting. When Art and I arrived we were given several paper works to sign and since Art is a SAG actor, he got even more paper works to sign. I learned that crews will always cheer after a actor is wrapped for the day. I felt a little embarressed when people apploud for me at the end of the night and all I had done for the scene was peeling off string beans for several hours...


"American Dream" is one out of five Florida States University graduating thesis film directed by Zebo Eric Yang (on right).
Eric Yang left China 7 years ago to study film after his dream of becoming a basket ball star shuttered due to knee injury. His goal is to make movies that move people from every cultures and backgrounds.

美国梦是今年佛罗里达州立大学从应届毕业生中挑选出五部毕业制作里的其中一部。导演杨泽波(（右边）在七年前来到美国学习电影电视的制作。当我问起他当初为什麽想要来美国学电影，他说：「我想学拍电影是因为大学时代的我生活中所有热情除了在篮球比赛外再来就是看电影了;当我的膝盖受伤而在也无法叁加篮球比赛时我便决心要成为一个FILMAKER。」
他的目标是要拍出能够感动不同背景、种族、文化的人们。

好样的！

Day 1 - 起居TOUR, apartment tour

A brief tour of the apartment where I stayed for 2 weeks.

Departure

我要去做美國夢了。
曾經有一個朋友，開了一家公司，叫做春秋。
不知道是美國夢大，還是春秋大夢大。

Learning the script

Lily's necklace is considered to be the most important symbol in the "American Dream". There are several scenes that use the necklace to carry out Lily's naivety and purity. I've practiced Lily's lines and movements with some knitting yarns found underneath the desk; as it turned out, the yarns was a necklace made by my very artistic nephew, Wesley. I took the yarn necklace, and decleared that it is now my official lucky necklace.

My American Dream Brother

Art Hsu
actor
who plays the part, Danny,Lily's brother, in "American Dream"

Film Homework : Million Dollar Baby

Synopsis: This multiple Oscar winner follows a determined young athlete who, through her sheer determination, awakens a long-lost fire within two aging boxers. Despondent over a painful estrangement from his daughter, trainer Frankie Dunn (Clint Eastwood) isn't prepared for boxer Maggie Fitzgerald (Hilary Swank) to enter his life. Maggie's determined to go pro, and she eventually convinces Dunn and his cohort (Morgan Freeman) to help her get to the top.

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Can I just say this is a kick ass movie? I judge movie by how much tear it is able to extract from my tear glands and how much tissues required. This is a high maintaince movie wish next time netflix will send some tissues along with the DVDs.

Film Homework : The House of Sand and Fog

Synopsis:
house as his family's dream home and quickly snaps it up. Trouble is, When her husband dumps her, an alcoholic woman, Kathy Nicolo (Jennifer Connelly), finds her house in the California hills seized in foreclosure and put up for public auction by local sheriff deputies (including Ron Eldard). An exiled Iranian air force colonel (Ben Kingsley) sees Nicolo'sNicolo is obsessed with getting the house back -- and will let nothing stand in her way.

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Some American Dreams can turned out to be nightmares.
Jennifer Connelly looks great, acting is great, but i wasn't sympathizing with her character. Ben Kingsley is a wonderful actor interchanged between the dignified colonel and the gas station clergyman, he's got the range. Ron Eldard, great job portraying the typical heart-over-mind law enforcement officer. The movie wasn't as great as its casting. The film didn't reach its supposed intensity to pull it off for the plot.

Film Homework : Monster's Ball

Synopsis:

Death row in the Louisiana State Penitentiary is the hothouse backdrop for this hard-hitting drama about racist prison guard Billy Bob Thornton, who falls in love with the wife (Best Actress Oscar winner Halle Berry) of a condemned man he helped execute. Peter Boyle plays Thornton's hopelessly bigoted father, and rapper Sean "Puffy" Combs astonishes as Berry's ill-fated, "dead man walking" husband.

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this is a good example where large and immense sexual explicated content is needed in order to portray the ultimate feelings of love, passion, hate, death. Very well balanced, excellent performance by all actors.
film viewed march 06, 2007